Thursday, February 9, 2012

What Are You Doing To My Mom?!?!?

I'm not generally one to over-punctuated, but I've got a cat story that's just begging for a long line of exclamation and question marks. It's a cat story, but it's actually a sex story too. Don't worry--it's not gross.

Okay, so my sweetheart and I were getting it on today and I tend to be pretty noisy in bed, but today I was SUPER loud. Not just "Oh yeah baby," but actually screaming. It was awesome. Good times.

I guess I closed my eyes for a while, because suddenly I wasn't the only one screaming. There were two sets of screams, and I knew the others didn't belong to Sweet, because she's not much of a screamer.

It was the cat. You know I have cats, right? So, it was Mr. Majestic cat, the regal cat, the cat who owns this aparment and everyone in it. He was SCREAMING at us. I've never heard him make a noise like this before. It wasn't exactly a scream, I guess, and it wasn't a growl or a hiss. It was actually more of a moaning meow-bark. It was kind of a cat-fight noise, come to think of it. He kept running down the bed and yelling at Sweet, then running up the bed and screaming at me.

Now, I don't claim to speak cat, but my rough interpretation was something along the lines of:

To Sweet: "What are you doing to my mom?!?!?!"
To Me: "Why are you screaming like that?!?!?!"
To Sweet: "You're hurting her! Unless... oh, don't tell me she loves you! Impossible!"
To Me: "I thought you loved ME! How dare you toy with my tender feline emotions?"

Something like that. Cats are pretty egocentric, so I think that's what he was saying.

Of course, I started laughing because... well, it was just hilarious. But regal kitty cats don't appreciate being laughed at, so he started head-butting my girlfriend at that point, just hurling himself at her, making that weird moaning cat scream the whole time, like "Get off her! She's mine. She's MINE!!!"

Nobody, cat or human, has ever expressed that kind of jealousy or possessiveness of me. Nobody's ever tried to beat up my girlfriend, and certainly not while we were in bed together. If it had been a human doing all this, it would have been frightening I suppose, but because it was a cat, it was funny.

I totally lost it. I couldn't stay in the moment while my cat was cursing and crying and throwing himself at my girlfriend. I collapsed on the bed, laughing hysterically, so I guess ultimately the cat got what he wanted... because I stopped screaming.

I'm trying to think up a moral to this story, otherwise it's just me telling you about my bizarre sex life. I guess the moral is that cats always get their way. Wouldn't you agree?

Giselle Renarde Canada just got hotter!

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